I am in a limbo of sorts.  I am surrounded by reality, certainly the case, but I am also surrounded by interpretations of reality.  So...where do I draw my lines?  Where do I leave my marks?  When is too much not enough and not enough just right?

I've learned recently that I despise conflict, that I am almost too accepting of an opposition simply so that I will not have to be in conflict with it.  This means that I am passive-agressive, apparently.  Well...I suppose that must be the case.  However, my mind in itself is very aggressive.  So many thoughts.  So much to think on.

I love many people.  If there is anything I do fiercely...it is love.  Of that I am certain.

I've pondered the nature of God and the nature of life for some time now in great detail and put the deity under my scrutiny.  Rather, put my interpretation of the deity under scrutiny.  By nature, I am unable to scrutinize God...but how do I know what to call God if I can't put him through a laboratory of my doubt?

So many interpretations...what is truth?  And do the people I respect simply subscribe to their preferred version of the truth, but not to ultimate truth?  For example, what is hell?  Really, what is it?  What is afterlife?  What is God and how does God connect to creation?  What is the nature of evil?  What is the nature of me?  Am I truly inherently evil, as I've been raised to consider myself?  Or does a creation of God hold infinite worth, since God's image is beauty and perfection, and we are in his image?  When do I draw the line between creation and creator?  Or is there simply no line to be drawn?  Does the creator live in me?  Am I the creator?  Is there a creator?

There are a few things of which I am certain: one is love, I've said that already.  If there is any unifying factor in the world, anything that gives our lives on earth a speck of worth, it is that we have the ability to love.  For me, to think and invent is far less as marvelous as our ability to love.  Love is all that I am certain of.  At this point.

And perhaps that's enough for now.  Since God is love, I am willing to accept that.

I have a responsibility that I am considering.  Do I truly want to do this all of my life?  Do I believe in it really?  In having these conflicting emotions, am I not doing the job well?  Am I failing what I've already begun?

Desire is making a headway.  It is true.  I desire things.  I desire truth most of all.  Truth from myself and truth from God and truth from reality.  I want to reach my hand into the cavern of all that is and was and will be and pull from it the one gem that will answer all...perhaps it isn't meant to be reached.

Maddening.  Frustrating.  Exhilarating.  Rapturous.  Inconceivable.  Entirely within my grasp.  All these are reality.

My upbringing was beautiful.  Will I, in the end, revert to my upbringing by default, regardless of how reality presents itself?  I hope I will be wise enough to choose reality over instinct.

It felt good to write a few things down.  Now I can look at them with perspective.  Unless perspective is an excuse for being unable to swim in these murky seas.

Peace and Godlove,
K R A W Z F I A R
   S  T  O  N  E